


One Joke Too Many

by theonewhohums



Category: Soul Eater
Genre: Gen, Humor, Immaturity, Mild Sexual Content, POV First Person, basically just a lot of dick jokes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-21
Updated: 2017-03-21
Packaged: 2018-10-08 23:46:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,813
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10398888
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theonewhohums/pseuds/theonewhohums
Summary: Liz gets the privilege of hanging out with Soul and Black Star alone, and she regrets it immediately. (Soul Eater Chopped entry from 2016)





	

**Author's Note:**

> So, about a year ago the Soul Eater fandom had an event called Soul Eater Chopped where everyone who participated was given four random requirements that needed to be included in their fic. My basket included:
> 
> 1\. Write in First Person.  
> 2\. Use at least three of the words found on wtffanfiction's VERY extensive list of genital jokes.  
> 3\. Said is dead. Don’t use it. Not even once.  
> 4\. Create an acrostic pattern with any animal you chose. E.G. DOG- Daniel goes to the park. On the way he meets Gabe. Gabe is a real jerk.
> 
> I bolded the acrostic pattern but didn’t even bother with the dick jokes. Trust me, they’re obvious. Also, first person POV is the devil.

Spending time alone with Black Star and Soul is excruciating.

“Is NOT,” Black Star calls from Soul and Maka’s threadbare couch. I hadn’t even realized I’d spoken out loud. My absolute contempt for this entire afternoon must have distracted me.

“Liz, you’re _still_ talking out loud.”

“If you hate hanging out with us that much, why are you here?” Soul asks.

“Because I love your meisters more than I hate you two, clearly,” I mutter with an eye roll meant to convey my previously-stated contempt for the entire situation. I hear Soul whisper “throb knob” to Black Star in a hushed, slightly hysterical whisper and resist the urge to light myself on fire when I hear more laughter bubbling from them.

Listen, I don’t really hate Black Star and Soul. In fact, when paired with their meisters, they’re incredibly enjoyable people. I can even handle them alone sometimes, so long as the other is on the polar opposite side of the planet. Anything closer than that, though? They’re obnoxious as hell.

“Projectile Dachshund!” Black Star roars, cackling so hard the laptop balancing on his knees almost crashes to the floor.

**A** ll I had to do was hang out with them for  few hours.

_**L** iz, could you please entertain them for just a little while?_ **L** ike a fucking babysitter? _**I** expect payment, I hope you know that._ **G** _et them out of our hair for a little bit and we’ll buy you anything you want at the mall._ **A** nything, you say?

**T** hey were desperate for some peace –and Death, I can see why— but their desperation did have a price limit, much to my dismay. **O** rdinarily I’d continue relentlessly haggling until I could get the best offer from them (the streets of Brooklyn taught me that playing hard was the only way to get what you want), but living with Kid for the past couple years has made me soft. **R** eally soft.

I settled for a new vinyl from the local record shop, figuring that later this week I could listen to it with Soul. Little did I know that Soul would not be around later this week, because at this rate I didn’t plan on letting him live past the next couple of minutes.

“Liz. Liz. I will pay you a thousand dollars to call Kid’s dick a ‘beef bazooka’ next time you bone him,” Black Star tells me, eloquent as always. I’m not even going to grace this with a response, seeing at it would only rile them up more. They don’t think Kid and I are seeing each other, they just want another excuse to say a ridiculous word for penis out loud.

This is what I get for being a poor babysitter. One would think that after raising Patti on my own, I would know how to deal with unruly _children_ , but apparently my time in Gallows Manor has softened me in more ways than one. I told Maka and Tsubaki I would hang out with the Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dipshit to keep them from burning down Maka and Soul’s apartment, and instead of partaking in any of their shenanigans I dropped Soul’s laptop in front of them and told them to watch YouTube videos while I touched up my nails. Big mistake. They managed to find a list of over 200 ridiculous words for genitals used in fiction across the media, and now have decided to spend the last hour reading every single one of them out loud.

I should have given them coloring books.

“It’s not even _funny_ anymore! There’s no way this can still be funny to you two.”

Soul sneers. “You sound a little tense, Liz. Has it been a while since someone’s pocket rocket made you see stars?”

Black Star falls off the couch mid-screech and continues to gasp out laughs even while on the floor. I can feel my right arm heating up and resist the urge to morph it into the barrel of a pistol. Tsubaki and Maka have to be coming home soon.

“Or maybe you’re just hungry, and that’s why you’re so irritable. A little Boyscout Spaghetti might tie you over for a bit until dinner time, right?” One would think that a 16-year-old would be better at innuendos. Not only was that joke weak as hell, but Soul can’t even keep a straight face while he spews this shit, giggling like a lunatic and waggling his bleach-white eyebrows the entire time.

I hear the sound of the door opening and almost cry from relief. They owe me a hundred records. A thousand records, in fact, because when I turn to look at the two idiots I’ve been forced to spend time with for the past three and half hours, I can tell from the looks on their faces that they have no intention of stopping this Game of Boners.

Tsubaki smiles like a proud parent when she sees the apartment still intact (minus my sanity). When her gaze lands on the two cackling losers on the floor, her grin wavers for a second, but she manages to keep up her enthusiasm when she claps her hands together and squeaks, “Well, it looks like you three had a good time while we were gone!”

Maka is more skeptical. “What did you guys do?”

Soul and Black Star look at each other for a moment, and I see an unspoken conversation in that look. It’s the type of look Patti and I share every time Kid has a break-down and we have to decide whether or not to let him stay on the floor and cry or pick him up by the lapels and tell him to stop being baby. I have a feeling this silent dialogue has a lot more dick jokes involved.

It takes only a second for them to finish the exchange, and then they’re pulling on the straightest faces they can manage, their mouths still wobbling from struggling to keep their laughter contained. Soul’s poker face is better than Black Star’s by a fraction, and he manages to get out “Normal stuff. Had lunch earlier. Made sandwiches with some thick bologna, lettuce, and mustard.”

Dear God.

“The man baguette was a nice sturdy, bread for a sandwich like that,” Black Star nods in agreement, his face turning pink from the effort it’s taking him to keep his laughter contained.

There is a very large part of me that is still considering shooting both of them point-blank with my soul wavelength for continuing this nonsense. But a very, very small part of me is curious to see how long it will take the girls to catch on. It’s obvious they know something is up with their maniac partners, but it’s possible their naivete will prevent them from understanding the poorly-disguised dick jokes being served to them on incredibly lewd silver platters.

Maka raises her eyebrows. “I didn’t know we had baguettes in the apartment. When did you buy them?”

This poor, innocent girl.

Tsubaki sets down a couple beautiful paper bags on the table, probably containing today’s spoils from their trip to the mall. My money’s on her figuring it out first. Miss Chapter of Lust is not as innocent as she appears to be, and after being partners with Black Star for all these years she has to be able to weed through his immaturity to see what kind of game he’s playing.

“Well, you wouldn’t believe what Maka and I had with our lunch. The restaurant we went to had cheesecake smoothies! You actually got to pick your piece of cheesecake and watch them put it in the blender with the milk and ice cream!”

Soul oooh’s and aaah’s appropriately, and I can see the cogs in his head turning as he tries to think of a dick-related response to this. They mentioned the word cream _and_ gave him the option of choosing a joke about something edible. She literally hand delivered the line to him.

His eyes widen marginally, a _eureka!_ look on his face. “That sounds like a real tonsil tickler!”

Seriously?

Maka nods agreeably. “They were really good! I was going to bring you one back, but I didn’t know which one you’d want, so we’ll have to go out and get some another time.”

Black Star nudges Soul with an elbow. “I bet you can find a batter blaster shake there, complete with a little vanilla spunk, if you know what I mean.”

I about choke on my own spit at that one, and while I’m struggling to pull air into my lungs, Tsubaki and Maka swing their gazes my way.

“Liz! Did you have a good time hanging out with the guys today?” I can see Tsubaki pulling my record out of one of their shopping bags, and can’t decide if I’m supposed to answer honestly or not when they essentially bribed me to babysit their partners. Do I tell them how close I came to incinerating their partners in the last couple hours? Kind of.

“Well, they’re not dead are they? That’s the biggest thing I’ve accomplished all day.”

Soul rolls his eyes like this is some private joke of ours. “Don’t listen to her. Pinnochio’s nose would have grown just from _listening_ to that lie.” I make eye contact with Soul from across the room, and despite my piercing glare from him just ruining the purity of Disney, he smirks at me. The bastard _smirks_ at me. “She loved every minute of hanging out with us. After all, I am a pleasure weapon.”

I stand up suddenly. “Maka, Tsubaki, I have to go. Now.”

They both look a little taken aback, but don’t question me. Tsubaki hands me my record. Maka pulls me aside and tells me gently “Hey, from what I can see, you did a good job. The last time we left them alone together we came back to find Soul’s hand stuck in a VCR while Black Star used a fire extinguisher to put on the flames from the pizza they tried to make. Whatever happened, this is definitely an improvement from that.”

Tsubaki pats my back and murmurs gently. “Yeah, don’t be so hard on yourself.”

I want to laugh at them implying  I think I did a poor  job of chaperoning their partners, but before I can get a word out Maka chuffs quietly, blowing a little air out of her nose and letting out a small giggle. I raise an eyebrow at her .

She smiles ruefully and shrugs. “Hard on. There was a penis joke in there somewhere.”

I just look at her.

Behind me, Black Star erupts into a fit of mad laughter while Soul doubles over wheezing.

I grab my record and slam the door behind me. I’m never coming back this apartment again.

**Author's Note:**

> (Originally published 7/9/16)


End file.
